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By Lori Buckley, Psy.D., CST. 
Great sex doesn’t begin when we take our clothes off. Here are some tips to connect with your partner to add joy to your relationship
and enhance your sex life:
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Meaningful rituals: do special things on a routine basis…weekly romantic dinners, daily loving text messages and/or emails, reading the Sunday paper together.
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Be unpredictable: surprise your partner by doing things that are thoughtful and unexpected. A card, letter, small gift, or get away weekend creates loving feelings.
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Touch: sensual touch, long hugs, affectionate gestures and public hand holding release the hormone oxytocin, which gives us a feeling of emotional bonding and lowers cortisol.
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Time together: remember when you first met how all your thoughts and free time were devoted to your partner? When in a long-term relationship, alone time with your partner declines. Make time to be together and continue the courtship.
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Have fun and be adventurous: in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. This creates attraction & excitement. And fun is good for relationships.
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Kiss with passion: passionate kissing is one of the first things to go in a long term relationship. Make sure to have passionate, long, lingering kisses.
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Be genuinely interested in your partner and in their life: there’s always more to learn about the person you love…in and out of bed. For example: "tell me about your day”, or "tell me your sexual fantasies”, or "what can I do for you”…
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Acknowledge, accept and manage your differences: 69% of couple’s problems are irresolvable. Much unhappiness is caused by our trying to change our partner and/or solve unsolvable problems.
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Add creativity and novelty into your sex life: do things differently. This releases the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is associated with attraction and infatuation.
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Appreciate the positive and compliment your partner: it’s easy to focus on your partner’s faults and take one another for granted. Instead, focus on your partner’s positive traits, and then show appreciation with a thank you and a compliment.
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Have realistic expectations: all relationships have conflicts, and every one has good days and bad days. Sometimes sex is mind-blowing, sometimes it’s forgettable, and sometimes you just want to forget.
References
Gottman, John M. (1999)
The Marriage Clinic. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company
Coleman, Paul, Psy.D.. (2006)
The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples. Avon, MA: Adams Media
About the Author...
Dr. Lori is a licensed psychologist in Pasadena, CA and is internationally known for her work. She is quoted in magazines and is a sexual advice columnist for both Men’s Health Best life magazine® and the Sinclair Institute®, where she is on the advisory council. She also is a frequent guest on radio shows, and is the host of Personal Life Media’s pod-cast show “On the Minds of Men.” Last Update: 2/29/2008
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