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By Michelle Bohls, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist 
Any new couple begins their journey heading into uncharted waters. Because each of you is 100% unique and no one has ever existed who is just like you, there is no map for what a life between two unique people will look like. However, like any journey, you probably know where you want to land.... at happily-ever-after, right? A rudder is a part of the boat's steering system. A slight adjustment to the rudder and the boat turns to adjust its course. When steering you want to be conscious of the rudder so that you remain on course. Did you know that when sailing, if you are even just one degree off course, it can lead you to being thousands of miles off course in a very short period of time? There is one relationship dynamic that will always knock you off course. It is called Score Keeping. What is score keeping? Simply, you track how your partner is doing, and when they mess up, you mark it down. Most couples keep score in their head, but nevertheless, score keepers unconsciously or consciously track how poorly their partner is doing.
So what is the problem? How can we "fix" problems, if we stick our head in the sand? We would be in denial, right? Isn't it important to pay attention? Yes, of course it is. The problem is how we pay attention. The problem with scorekeeping is score keeper bias. They know their personal side (defensive argument), or why they did or didn't do something. So, when they can't fulfill their commitments, the score keeper will not mark down their own deeds.
Without the effort to take their partner's perspective, the scores come out in favor of the score keepers every time. The one keeping the score will account for ALL of the good deeds done by themselves, underestimate their partner's good deeds, AND underestimate their own mistakes. It sounds something like this, "This is the third time this month I have been grocery shopping for us. I don't have time for this errand, and the money stresses me out. Poor me, it's so unfair. My partner NEVER shops. I am so unappreciated." In this case, the score keeper focuses on their own "good" behavior and may be unaware of how their partner picks up milk between bigger shopping trips, or that their partner is the one who typically puts gas in the car, or forget how they don't pay on some other bills or how they never have to do laundry, etc... You get the gist. In score keeping we will focus on our own perspective to the detriment of our partner. Have you noticed how a fight begins innocently enough? We try to be nice about it (even if we were raging inside like a bear while choosing our words carefully). "... I would really like it if you would do more grocery shopping." And our partner's response? They go right into defense mode, "But the store is on the way home from your office, and I don't have time, I am doing ALL of the laundry...." And the fight is on!
In essence, a rudder works by altering the flow of water around it, so that one side begins to experience greater pressure than the other. Overtime it is score keeper bias that throws the couple off course. When we score keep, we push the pressure onto our partner. And they push back. Score keeping is the most destructive dynamic because it leads to conflict, and over time it breeds contempt. Contempt is another word for hate. John Gottman named contempt as one of the "four horseman" that could predict divorce with great accuracy. If there is contempt between any two people, as a therapist I always look for score keeping.
So how can we keep from score keeping and score keeper bias? There are two skills that prevent score keeper bias: 1) Use communications skills that reduce conflict by including perspective taking. 2) Nurture a bias for your partner by seeking the good in them, imagining their intentions, and owning your misses. These two things keep pressure off your partner and the rudder headed in the direction you want. May your relationship remain heading for the shores of long term happiness! About the Author...
Michelle Bohls is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Austin, Texas. Last Update: 4/16/2009
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