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By Cheryl Deaner, LMFT  Are you one of those people who find
that their work relationships generally lead to success while
personal relationships are more challenging? Perhaps you find
yourself simply more competent and comfortable at work than in your private
relationships.
Often I have worked with people who do
great things in the industry they are in, yet outside work, it is
another story. In fact, they may feel that if those they work with
actually knew how unhappy, confused or stuck they are at home or with
loved ones, they would be seen as frauds.
At work, relationships are guided by
both codes of conduct with mutually-agreed upon goals. By working
decently hard and following the rules, success can often be had.
Basically, a business is usually run to make money, so if you are a
useful employee and follow the rules you will generally do well. In personal relationship, there may not be clear rules or boundaries. Instead, behavior is heavily influenced by individual feelings and the past relationships, including one's family of origin.
Personal relationship problems can be
subtle. You may not acknowledge how badly a relationship is going
until the day you just can't stand it anymore. Or perhaps someone
you care about does something that is totally hurtful to you. At
this point, even your work can suffer, because you feel so
emotionally on edge.
When otherwise successful people come
to therapy their personal lives, their self-esteem and sense of
personal worth may already have been considerably affected. They
don't know why the tools they use in other settings can't fix their
personal relationships. In fact, attempts to use those tools may
have made things steadily worse!
Here are three things to consider if
you are feeling that this article may be applicable to you:
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Are you trying to help, control or
ignore a personal relationship? To do so is a sign that you are
ignoring yourself, and really don't know how to "fix” the
situation you find yourself in.
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You may have neglected your true
feelings and needs for so long that you don't consciously know what
they are anymore.
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You may have a history of painful
personal relationships, often dating back to childhood. These
create an often unconscious template that intrudes on current
relationships in a negative way.
If any of these are going on, work may
seem like a safe haven, but it is not. It can lead to a narrowing of
the focus of your life and stunt your capacity to have a full life.
Overworking can be habit forming, and if you are already working too
much, don't despair. All habits can be broken.
The first step to dealing with what is
going on in your life is to find at least one person you can confide
in. A therapist or EAP specialist may be a good first step. Or an
old friend, "safe” family member or mentor may be able to help.
It may also help to step back from work
for a brief while or take a vacation to try to get some perspective
about what you want and how to get it. Most companies talk about
life-work balance, but leave it up to you to actually achieve it. If
nothing else, take a weekend away by yourself and contemplate what
you want and need.
Also, if you are concerned about
putting other people's needs ahead of yours, you may want to look up
Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA) or Al-Anon online to see how others
have dealt with issues like yours.
Finally, please do not hesitate to call
me for a free phone consultation about your unique situation, and
whether we might benefit from working together. About the Author...
Cheryl Deaner, LMFT, is in private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. She specializes in relationship issues, codependency, anxiety, stress and depressive issues, substance abuse and infidelity. Last Update: 9/27/2014
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