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By Dr. Claire Arene  As a Psychotherapist who very regularly provides therapy to married couples I have always wondered at couples who tell me that they never attended premarital counseling sessions prior to getting hitched. By my estimation this applies to more than half of the couples I encounter in private practice.
Often, when I explore with the couple to find out why, the reasons often fall into three main categories; not understanding the purpose of premarital counseling; a dislike or discomfort with engaging in counseling; and getting so caught up with planning the wedding. I must add that in recent times, I have also come to identify a fourth category, those whose reasons for not engaging in premarital counseling have to do with the fact that they feel that divorce is always an option if things do not work out or maintaining the relationship becomes too burdensome. Although this article has something for those in any or all of the categories, including the fourth one, my focus in addressing the issue of premarital counseling is more tailored to address the needs of those whose reasons fall within the three categories.
What I find is that usually these same couples who do not take the time to find out as much as they can about the institution of marriage before getting hitched, have often spent thousands of dollars on every minute detail of the wedding and they often remember being so consumed with making sure their friends and family were impressed by how well put together the wedding ceremony was.
It is important at this point for me to disclose that as a marriage and couples therapist I write and provide therapy from a Christian perspective, generally a Christian therapist would likely hold to the view that marriage is a life-time commitment, except for a few exceptions clearly delineated in the Christian Bible. From a Christian perspective, the primary purpose of Christian premarital counseling is to enable both parties who are considering committing to each other in marriage do exactly what the Christian Bible says which is to enter the state of marriage solemnly, each person considering carefully the vows they are about to make to the other, knowing that those vows are supposed to be for the rest of their lives on earth. Premarital counseling is supposed to help couples see marriage from the lenses of what real marriage feels like through its various seasons, and what they will likely have to deal with on a long term basis.
One of the first things I usually notice when I counsel with couples who have committed to premarital therapy, is that they often do not see past their present emotional state of love and connectedness. Some of them have a real hard time imagining how their different personality styles, prior emotional histories (what some people may call baggage), children, stepchildren or both, life stresses, outside influences that they may allow, and so forth could begin to work against their present state of connectedness and eventually tear them apart if they go into marriage unprepared and uninformed. Premarital counseling gives couples tools which they will eventually need to use in order to stay emotionally connected. Truly, it is not a question of if these tools will be needed, it is more a question of when they will be needed; premarital counseling prepares couples for the "when".
I have also come to understand that some couples do not seek premarital counseling because it is their estimation that they found out everything they need to know about each other as well as everything they need to be ready for marriage during the dating period. Sadly, this viewpoint is likely based on the erroneous belief that in premarital counseling the therapist is there to help the couple get to know each other. Please, if you are reading this article allow me to disabuse you of this notion. A skilled therapist aims to help the engaged couple realize the seriousness of the commitment they are about to make, enables them come into as full an understanding as reasonably possible of what will be expected of them if they marry this particular person, educates them about the different seasons of marriage, helps them consider their commitment to a life-time relationship, equips them with tools for as many of the different seasons of marriage as reasonably possible; especially, the ones they are likely to face in the first three years. The therapist also works with the couple to help them realize that they are marrying each other; with all the attendant flaws and imperfections and not some "imaginary ideal mate" they have created in their minds. The focus of the counseling is not getting to know each other. Although, getting to know each other is a by- product. The focus of pre-marital counseling is getting to know what marriage is really like and assessing one's fitness for it individually and as a couple. Couples who are unwilling to seek premarital therapy because they think they know everything about each other fall into the category of those who do not understand what premarital counseling entails.
There are those who avoid premarital counseling because they are uncomfortable with being vulnerable. It is true that vulnerability is required, however, the self exploration and unveiling that occurs in individual counseling is not required or rather should not be occurring in premarital sessions to the extent that it does in individual therapy sessions. As a matter of fact, it should be considered a red flag if an individual or couple present for premarital sessions with such serious emotional issues that the focus of premarital therapy now shifts from preparing the couple for marriage to solving individual issues or resolving emotional trauma. Understanding how premarital counseling sessions are different from individual sessions is important in helping couples overcome their unwillingness to participate. It is the counselor's responsibility to exhibit skill in explaining how premarital counseling works so that the couple can be less uncomfortable with the process.
Premarital counseling requires a counselor who is skilled and able to keep the premarital sessions focused on the goal of preparing the couple for marriage by increasing their knowledge of what demands getting married would place on them. A good counselor should be able to do this whilst remaining attuned to any individual emotional issues that may indicate the need for more in-depth exploration and self examination of emotional issues, which would of course indicate the need for a referral for individual counseling, as well as serve as a red flag that marriage may need to be reconsidered or delayed depending on the severity of the issues that present themselves.
It is also important for individuals who are uncomfortable with counseling to understand that there are other counseling and therapy modalities that are available to them that may be more amenable and help them feel less uncomfortable. It is typical for couples seeking premarital to meet with the therapist alone. However, it is possible for pre-marital counseling to be offered in a group format. Using this modality a number of engaged couples are engaged in counseling sessions at the same time with one or two counselors/therapists. This style of providing premarital counseling has its advantages as well as disadvantages. However, for couples who feel uncomfortable engaging in a 1:1 session with a counselor, this method is particularly advantageous as the therapist's focus is not directed at the couple specifically. Exploration of issues is generally not as indepth and the techniques utilized in this format are usually more informational and educational and therefore they are likely to be experienced as less intrusive than when the couple is being seen using the individual format. Couples who prefer this option should be aware that it does have some disadvantages, which are beyond the focus of this article and so will not be elaborated on at this time. However, it is preferable to engage in group counseling if one feels uncomfortable with individual sessions because group counseling can be a powerful tool to help couples feel supported and also present couples with the opportunity to discuss issues they are experiencing with other couples who may be going through the same thing. It also presents couples with the opportunity to get multiple perspectives beyond the therapist's perspective and this can not only enhance insight but also a couple's commitment to working through difficulties rather than giving up.
Other options to address difficulties with engaging in individual premarital couples session include the use of media. Using this format a couple can be provided with videos, pre-recorded therapy sessions, which they would have to listen to together and complete follow up assignments to show that they understood the material. This method presents with some advantages and disadvantages. With regards to advantages it is indirect and less intrusive than the 1:1 format. However, it is not as effective as the 1:1 method or group method because it is entirely up to the couples whether they listen to the material, or follow through with any of the assignments, and it is not a suitable method for couples who have a hard time listening to each other or respecting that it is okay to have different opinions.
The other category I identified are those couples who get so caught up with planning their big day that they relegate any thoughts about planning for any challenges they may encounter when they get married to the background. There is not much that can be done for couples with this attitude because they are unlikely to seek help until things begin to go wrong which is usually after the wedding. However, if by any chance a couple with this attitude present for premarital it is important to help them become interested in planning for the challenges of marriage and one way to do this is helping them envision some goals that they have for their marriage, and also explore the expectations regarding the quality they are expecting their marriage to have. The therapist can then help them acknowledge some of the obstacles to realizing their goals and expectations. Doing this may help motivate them towards committing to premarital counseling sessions.
I certainly recommend premarital counseling for all couples that are contemplating getting married. However, it is even more important for couples who will be starting out together in a marriage that has a lot of challenges to start with. This includes couples starting out in a blended family, those who have been married before, couples either of whose parents did not support the marriage, situations in which either or both of the parties have been divorced. Likewise, couples may need to do some work in premarital counseling if either or both of the parties have any history of trauma or mental or emotional issues.
What are some of the detriments of not engaging in Premarital therapy prior to getting married? Based on my experience as psychotherapist, there are quite a few negatives and too often what I see is often irreparable in the sense that by the time couples present for therapy they have such negative emotions towards each other that they are often unable to do any work in therapy, or even stay the course by attending sessions consistently enough to realize any benefit from therapy.
Typically, I can easily identify couples who did not engage in premarital counseling because they have so little understanding of what marriage is about and as a result have unreasonable expectations of their marriage and of each other. What better way to experience disappointment in marriage than to go into it with unreasonable expectations. I can easily say that having unreasonable expectations is one of the major consequences of not engaging in premarital therapy because it is the very heart of what premarital therapy is supposed to help couples with.
Additionally, couples who do not engage in premarital therapy, typically find out that their marriage goes downhill faster, when they encounter difficulties. This is because having not prepared for the challenges of marriage, couples quickly find their emotional connectedness easily compromised when they encounter obstacles in their marriage, and because they are not informed as to what to expect they quickly become very discouraged and begin talking about divorce. Quite a few times couples have come for therapy at the behest of their respective attorneys, or after they have already involved an attorney in their affairs. It is my experience that once an attorney becomes involved the couple are unable to retrace their steps or engage successfully in therapy.
True, I am not trying to suggest that every couple that did not have premarital counseling will have a failed marriage. Time spent in marriage will eventually teach couples who did not engage in premarital counseling what they need to know. However, this often happens after precious time has been lost and the quality of the marriage has been negatively impacted.
It is my hope that this article will help couples everywhere who are considering marriage, especially, those who hold to the christian perspective of marriage appreciate how crucial engaging in premarital counseling is to not just having a successful marriage but also having a marriage that is wholesome and in which the couple enjoy each other.
This article is not intended to treat and/or diagnose any mental or emotional problems. If you think you may need help please seek the services of a licensed professional. The author of this article is offering her advice and suggestions as a licensed psychotherapist and mental health professional with many years experience. However, it is important that those who read this article do not make any decisions based solely on this content, and that they seek mental health and/or psychotherapy services only from a professional whose credentials, experience and background they have independently verified.
About the Author...
Dr. Claire Arene is a clinical social worker and doctor of clinical psychology. She is licensed in Illinois and maintains a practice in Waukegan Illinois. She has been in private practice providing psychotherapy and counseling services to individuals, couples, and families since 2005. She has an interest and practice focus in addressing relationship issues including but not limited to marriage, divorce, parenting, and blended family issues. She is a christian therapist but also practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other Psycho-dynamic orientations. She accepts many insurance types and also offers a sliding fee scale. Last Update: 11/12/2014
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