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By Kimberly Castelo, MS LMFTA  When some people hear the word "conflict” or "confrontation” it can immediately bring up negative feelings. Those words can make people run for the hills because it can mean that a situation can become difficult to handle. Dealing with conflict is not something people usually like to do. In fact, many people avoid conflict because it does not feel good. However, there are ways to handle conflict that can truly help make it not a bad word. Here are some techniques that can help and can be used in the workplace, with friends, and with family.
- Own your feelings: When a person has conflict with another, it is easy to immediately move to blame and say "Well, it’s your fault not mine.” However, those types of statements only get us into a blame cycle and we never really get anywhere. Owning your feelings means saying things like "when this happened I felt sad, upset, disappointed.” This kind of approach actually calms the one hearing these words and can make an environment of safety instead of hostility.
- Be willing to dialogue: Often times in conflict we get stuck in telling our story that it becomes a monologue. The fact is, all that does is make our audience shut down and want to walk out on what we are saying. Being willing to ask "how did you perceive this event” and asking a person for their observation can help them be more open to hear your point of view.
- Admit your faults: When someone confronts me about something, if I am wrong I admit it. Even if I think I am not wrong I try to see their point of view. If I can’t see their point of view, I ask myself, why not? I also ask them, "I am having a hard time understanding where you are coming from; can you help me a little?” Immediately that helps a person become a team member in resolving conflict instead of my opponent.
- Stay Calm: Oh man, this one can be hard especially when you feel you are not being heard, when you feel you are being treated poorly, etc. However, exploding at a person only makes things worse. Now that does not mean you do not get mad or even express "wow, I am feeling angry with that statement,” but it does mean that we should not let our anger control our actions. Yelling, storming out, making a scene just makes the situation worse. One of the techniques I use when I need to stay calm in a situation is mindfulness. One mindfulness trick is that I begin to notice things I see around me. For example, if I am in an office I will say in my head "lamp, chair, picture, etc.” Before I know it, the anger I feel loses its power over me and instead of it controlling me, I control it.
- Your feelings matter: Whatever the situation is, remember your feelings and perceptions matter. Ask yourself "what is making me upset?” "Why is it making me upset?” How can I be true to myself and respectful and kind to others?
These techniques do not come easy. We are taught to run from conflict, ignore it, or challenge it. I think of conflict as an opportunity to learn. Learning is sometimes not easy and there is often a learning curve. So as we begin to try these steps be sure to give yourself grace; you might not get it right all the time. Again, admitting you are trying is a huge step in itself!
About the Author...
Kimberly Castelo is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Seattle working with families and couples. She works with marital issues, behavioral issues, sexuality, coping skills, trauma, and life transitions. Last Update: 9/29/2014
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