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By Grace Doctorow, LCSW, BCD  What can you learn from the hit TV series Mad Men you ask? Plenty.
I just started watching the series Mad Men on Netflix. Yes, I know, I'm a little behind the times. It is in its seventh and final season this year and many of you undoubtedly know a good deal more about it than I do. Nevertheless, I am binge watching and am into the third season so I will catch up soon.
It occurred to me that beyond its entertainment value, its presentation of cultural and generational images, its period view of men and women in an era before women's lib, sexual harassment, feminism, aids, civil rights, LGBT and modern technology, it offers a lot to think about regarding ourselves, our perceptions of male and female identity, our expectations in relationships that still apply today. While a lot has changed, a lot has remained the same.
In the coming months I would like to share some of my 'Mad Men' thoughts.
The issue I would like to discuss today I call, Finding the ʻThird Way.ʼ
All too often in our relationships we look to win an argument. We believe we are right and the other person is wrong. We try to make them cede to our point of view. If this is the goal, we will likely experience a lose/lose situation.
Even when we think we are offering a compromise, it often feels as if one person has gotten his way and the other has merely given in. If it happens repeatedly that one person gives in to keep the peace, resentment builds and takes a toll on the relationship.
What we really need to do at times when there is a disagreement, is not take turns ʻbeing right.' What is needed is finding a ʻThird Way,ʼ a way that is neither yours nor mine but something else that meets both of our needs. To do this one has to let go of being right, and be open to looking for solutions. This often takes more flexibility, more maturity, and more ingenuity than many of us can easily muster. But what results can be beautiful in its simplicity.
A wonderful example of this is to be found in an episode of Mad Men where the newly married office manager Joan has an argument with her young physician husband as they plan the seating arrangement for a dinner party with his higher-ups. He informs her that he needs to sit beside his Chief of Staff whom he wants placed at the head of the table. She says that as hosts they should be at the head of the table with their guests seated ʻboy-girl-boy-girlʼ per Emily Post etiquette. He responds that he's quite sure that his doctor boss has never read Emily Post and could care less about it. She assures him that the wives will know and will think that he married someone who doesn't know how to set a table. This minor issue is about to blow up between them when Joan pauses, thinks for a minute and comes up with the ʻThird Way.ʼ She suggests that if they were to serve buffet style it would not be necessary to assign seats and they could sit wherever they wanted.
It sounds like such a silly problem and an easy solution. You might say, what does it matter? It doesn't sound like such a big deal. But in my experience, small issues like this can create big conflicts between people. Many of us find it very hard to do what Joan did, to put aside our egos, let go of control, stop trying to be right and instead come up with a solution together that will be satisfactory to both parties.
I know that it is not always possible to do that; sometimes one person has to make concessions. Sometimes you can't do it on your own. Often people benefit from the help of a therapist, a neutral party in finding their ʻThird Way.ʼ
If you need help in finding your 'Third Way', don't hesitate to call for an appointment. Finding a ʻThird Wayʼ takes work but the effort is worth it in the end. About the Author...
Grace Doctorow is an experienced clinician in private practice in Ocean Township, NJ. She treats individuals, couples, families, working with clients across the life span. Her specialties include play therapy, parenting, coping with life transitions, aging, bereavement, relational problems, whether they be couple, sibling, intergenerational. She uses a variety of psychodynamic, problem solving, supportive techniques to assist her clients in resolving their problems and reaching their full potential. Last Update: 1/19/2015
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