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By Kim Bolen, MA, LPA  Many couples are eager to improve their interpersonal relationships and question what factors make marriages successful. Fortunately, researchers have paved the way in answering this important question. Below is a review of some of the concepts and theories that can help keep your marriage strong or repair a damaged relationship.
Acceptance is a concept that has become widespread in the marriage literature. When I refer to acceptance in relationships, I do not mean "liking” or "preferring” something; rather I mean recognition that some differences are inevitable. Developing realistic expectations about marriage is essential to prevent unhealthy comparisons and dissatisfaction. While relationships are often blissful and comforting, a certain amount of discontentment is expected (Harris, 2009).
John Gottman, Ph.D., a renowned marriage researcher, teaches us that up to 69% of marital arguments will never be resolved (Gottman & Silver, 1999). While couples can learn better ways to communicate about their problems and compromise to some extent, they cannot make each other change. Many couples have intrinsic personality differences, such as one person being outgoing and the other being shy or one person valuing cleanliness and the other being disorganized. Spouses may argue about their differences for many years and fail to recognize that their arguments are an exercise in futility. They may think that another partner would be more suitable, but they don’t realize that any relationship will have its own set of unsolvable problems.
I do not mean for this to sound discouraging at all. I think it is very helpful for couples to learn that the "grass isn’t always greener on the other side,” because it encourages commitment despite struggles. Some couples develop more concerns after the newness and excitement of a relationship turns into monotony. I remind couples that the expressions of love that seemed effortless in the beginning must now become a conscious effort. Love should be demonstrated as an action, rather than remaining a feeling we take for granted. This does not mean that relationships are doomed after the beginning stages. Many couples are grateful for the companionship and comfort that builds after spending years together. However, we must all remember to show our partners how important they are and how much they are appreciated.
Research on what sets successful marriages apart emphasizes that couples should avoid the dangerous communication patterns coined as "the four horsemen of the apocalypse” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). These are four factors that we may all see in our relationships from time to time, but it is paramount to prevent them becoming commonplace in our marriage. The "four horsemen” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (e.g., withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict). The antidotes to these unhealthy patterns can create an atmosphere of love and gratitude.
All couples will inevitably have concerns or complaints, but it is important to express those complaints in a way that does not imply that your partner’s personality is defective. Instead, stick to the facts, avoid derogatory labels, and take ownership of your feelings. Remember not to speak to your husband or wife in a tone that implies superiority. Scan the environment for things to praise, and compliment your spouse often. Gottman (1999) encourages couples to strive for a ratio of five positive communications per every negative, in order to build satisfying marriages.
Some conflict is unavoidable, but the ways in which it is handled could make or break your marriage. Mistakes do happen, and the efforts to repair the relationship should be conscious and proactive. When you make a mistake, acknowledge it and try to validate your spouse’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Lastly, adopt a signal to cease communication when either you or your partner has become so angry and physiologically activated that effective communication is impossible.
Another way to improve your marriage is to learn to speak your partner’s "love language,” or preferred way to express and experience love. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: The Secret to the Love that Lasts (2010), informs us that love is an essential human need and that individuals differ in the ways they prefer to experience it. Without understanding our partner’s love language, our efforts could go unnoticed or unappreciated. We can enhance our relationships by learning what types of affection meet our partner’s needs most effectively. The five love languages are as follows: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Examples of words of affirmation include saying "I love you,” giving compliments, and offering words of encouragement. Quality time not only refers to sharing activities and spending time with your spouse; it also means giving him or her your undivided attention. People who speak the language of gifts value the thought and sentiment behind the gift. Acts of service refers to completing tasks that your partner would like for you to do, such as cooking, cleaning, or doing your partner’s laundry. Finally, physical touch includes holding hands, cuddling, and hugs, etc.
Understanding our partner’s love language helps us to show love in a way that he or she is most likely to receive and appreciate and can also help us avoid the things that will be most hurtful to our partner. For example, forgetting to buy a gift for a special occasion may be very hurtful to a person who speaks the language of gifts, and hurtful words will sting the most to a person who values words of affirmation. Of course, we should be careful not to hurt our spouses across the board, but it is helpful to be mindful of what is particularly important to your partner (Chapman, 2010). Below is a link to an online quiz that can help you determine your love language.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
For a more thorough review of these concepts and other helpful relationship tools, a recommended reading list is provided below. If you or someone you know may benefit from working to improve his or her relationship, please do not hesitate to call or email for more information. New clients are welcome, and evening appointments are available.
References and Recommended Reading List
Chapman, G. D. (2010). The five love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Chapman, G.D. (2010). Things I wish I’d known before we got married. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Chapman, G.D., & England, M. (2006). Everybody wins: The Chapman guide to solving conflicts without arguing. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
Gottman, J.M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Harley, W.F. (2011). His needs, her needs: Building an affair-proof marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Revell Publishing.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT with love: Stop struggling, reconciling differences, and strengthen your relationship with acceptance and commitment therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples, 20th anniversary edition. New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company, LLC.
Walser, R.D. & Westrup, D. (2009). The mindful couple: How acceptance and mindfulness can lead you to the love you want. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
About the Author...
Kim Bolen, MA, LPA is a clinical psychologist who is licensed as a Psychological Associate and certified as a Health Services Provider. She received her master's degree in clinical psychology from the University of North Carolina at Wilmington, with an emphasis in substance abuse treatment. Kim has experience working with children, adolescents, adults, and families in outpatient mental health settings and community outreach programs.
Kim is committed to providing a non-judgmental and trusting atmosphere to facilitate therapeutic growth. She believes that therapy is a collaborative process in which the therapist and client work together to achieve desired outcomes. Her therapeutic approach encourages individuals to enhance their self-awareness and confidence, utilize effective coping skills, and increase their motivation to improve their overall functioning.
Kim treats a variety of emotional and behavioral concerns, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, bipolar disorder, personality disorders, substance abuse/dependence, anger management, social skills deficits, academic difficulties, marital conflict, and military-related issues. Other areas of interest are stress management and helping people achieve a balance between physical, emotional, and social well-being. Kim is passionate about helping people communicate more effectively and improve their interpersonal and romantic relationships.
Her treatment approach includes the use of cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps people develop more effective thinking and behavior patterns and learn adaptive coping strategies. She also has specialized training in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is a beneficial treatment for people who have difficulty regulating emotions, tolerating distressing situations, and dealing with interpersonal problems effectively. Kim provides individual DBT coping skills training to adolescents and adults to help them find more satisfaction in their personal lives. Last Update: 2/22/2014
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