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By Elissa Grunblatt, LCSW  Therapy is a unique experience. Is there anywhere else you can go that offers you a stress free environment and allows you to do all the talking? Will anyone other than your therapist listen to your troubles for 45 minutes without interruption? Even your mother will change the subject after a while. Do your friends have enough patience to remain quiet and calm while you rage? Do they have enough consideration to not argue with your opinions, refrain from cutting you off or judge you? No matter how well they know you, do friends have the training to intuit what you mean, validate your feelings or say just the right thing? And can they do all of that with ambient lighting and a comfy couch?
Sure, clients are happy when their therapists make them feel better. What about those times when therapists are inscrutable? When questions are asked and left unanswered, or when therapists ask questions that are like riddles? If you would like answers to questions many clients have about what is going on in therapy, read on….
Why do therapists show so little emotion?
It's not because emotions aren't being felt by your therapist. Your story is moving, your pain is palpable, your joy is infectious. Therapists are trained to contain emotions that are too strong for their clients to manage. At some point in your journey if all goes well, you will see some emotions from your therapist. And when you do, realize it's a sign of your own ability to tolerate strong emotions. Congratulations, you are doing better than you thought!
Why do therapists answer questions with a question?
Do you want to know what I think? I think you have more talking to do, so I will ask you to do it instead of answering your questions. That said, sometimes clients are in need of insight and guidance. If that's their goal, they will get answers. If therapy is for personal growth, then why is the therapist's opinion more important than your own?
Can I know if my therapist lives in my town, has been to my favorite restaurant, or is married, or has children?
Your therapist is a helping professional. If the answers to those questions are therapeutic for you and helpful to you, they can be answered. The burden of proof as to why and how that information will help you is on you, the client. Do you want to know a secret? Once you finish explaining how the information you request will be therapeutic and helpful, you will no longer care about the answers. Try it sometime!
Can my therapist read my mind? Sometimes it feels that way…
Therapists aren't mind-readers or psychics. Therapists with many years of experience have heard a wide variety of stories from their clients and they have discovered patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are similar. What may look like a leap of intuition to you is really a deep understanding of human behavior, and lots of experience. Keep in mind your therapist only knows what you tell them. You do not need to worry that your therapist will know more about you than you choose to disclose. Your secrets are safe inside but it's more helpful to you to disclose them.
Why can't my therapist just understand what I am saying? Why do I have to state the obvious or repeat myself?
Sure, your therapist can probably guess how your loss feels to you. But is that really helpful to you? Your "cure" is in the telling of your thoughts and feelings. And sometimes, you will repeat your story, why? Because it changes over time. The past doesn't change but the way you describe it may because the way you feel about your past may change. Your feelings are supposed to change over time, as does your thoughts and behavior. So if you are asked to repeat or state the obvious, know that it will bring progress for you.
How will I know when I'm done with therapy?
That's up to you. Have you met your goals? You may be done then. Do you feel better, more confident, less sad or anxious, more comfortable in your own skin? Are you able to love yourself? Are you getting what you want in life? This may be your cue to end therapy. If you still don't know, ask your therapist….
About the Author...
Elissa Grunblatt, LCSW has spent most of her career working within the non-profit world, first with the severely and persistently mentally ill, and then as the director of two clinics. She is also an Adjunct Professor at Adelphi University and currently is the Owner/President of a multi-clinician private practice counseling center in Amityville, NY. Last Update: 9/27/2014
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